Well today was a rough day for me. Down in the dumps, aggravated, tired...just feeling defeated. I miss my son so bad today!! Why can't anyone understand that I'm still grieving? That it's not something you get over in a few days, weeks, months or years? I struggle, I cry, I get discouraged, I want to give up! Do you know what it's like to have dreams that you know will never happen? Do you know what it's like to look forward to nothing? Do you know what it's like to lose a child, A CHILD, to a disease and then have to continue watching your other child dying from the same disease? And your other child, a non-CFer, is in an abusive relationship, is pregnant with her 3rd child, and isn't in a loving atmosphere but refuses to leave? Do you know what that's like? It's. Stress. Worry. Exhaustion. Defeat. Please don't tell me how blessed I am or how I need to look at the bright side of things. I know I'm blessed and I know there are bright spots in this life...but right now I see none. I see none....not now. Not ever.

Another day full of pondering....

Well it looks as if we're fixing to be car shopping. Wade's truck is not dependable and he's having to use my vehicle to go to work. My vehicle needs some work done...the air conditioner has gone kaput and when you have 95+ degree days EVERY day it's hard to go anywhere comfortably. Lezly is wanting a car and I did promise her one when we got the settlement. Unfortunately, we got the settlement but it wasn't enough to get her a car. We've found a couple that's a good price, gets good gas mileage, and is a low mileage car. Thinking how we can afford this when we have so much other stuff over our heads....but then again how can we not? I don't know. I just don't know. =(

It's Tuesday evening and it's such a blah-ish day. I'm trying to be happy in a world that makes me sad. Each day is a challenge. Each day is a step closer to death. It's hard not to think about it when it's always there...just on the outskirts. In the shadows of the day. Last weekend (the 17th) Luc's stone was set. It's beautiful but it opened up a fresh can of grief. It makes it seem so final altho I know that it's not. I still have the hope that I'll see him again...I pray I will. I have to keep my heart right with God and make sure I don't miss Heaven for anything. Bitterness tries to take that all away from me...that is my new struggle. God please help me make it through this crazy messed up unfair world.

Wednesday....

Happy Wednesday!! Today is a new day. A good day. Lezly seems to be feeling good...not great but good. We take every GOOD thing as a blessing and a little bit of HOPE. I miss my son today. A few days from now we set his headstone. It's been 16 months since God called him home. Some days it feels longer, other days it feels like yesterday. Today is one of those "yesterday" days. God, grant me the strength to endure this pain. I need a new touch of Your strength today. And I pray tomorrow will be better. Easier. And that I'll be stronger! Yes...tomorrow WILL be better. But until then, I'll lean on my Jesus.

Life...

So I was sitting here thinking of what it really means to LIVE! We are born to serve a purpose on this earth...and when we fulfill that purpose, our time here is over. I've been on this planet for 44 years and I'm still not sure what my purpose is. Growing up all I wanted was to get married and have children and grandchildren...well I've done that. Of course, my life hasn't been easy...at all!! I've endured many dreams gone awry, many damages caused by LIFE, and I have discovered so many things. My dreams of a healthy and happy family didn't come true...for the most part. We have had damages caused by illnesses and struggles. And I have discovered that not everything is what it seems. We hide a lot of our emotions, fears, disappointments. We're scared to show excitement and hope for things we cannot fully see. We cry ourselves to sleep or when we're alone to keep anyone seeing our weaknesses. But God is always good!! I am so thankful for the wonderful man He allowed me to have, the wonderful children and grandchildren. I am so blessed to be living in this country of freedoms. I am so blessed to have a home, running water, food in my belly, clothes on my body. I am thankful for a bed to sleep in. I am thankful for friends, laughter, love. I am so blessed!!! And yet...I struggle to be happy. To feel alive. To live. I struggle...and no one understands why. And so every day I search for my purpose. I realize that regardless of what happens in my day, I enjoy the little things of LIFE...and THAT is what it truly means to live. Or that's how I see it today!

It hurts!!!

It hurts to see your child sick and hurting and knowing there's nothing you can do to help. It hurts to hear her cough so much you're afraid she's gonna rip out her throat or cough up a lung (literally). It hurts to hear her puke from coughing so much. It hurts to see her exhausted and out of breath after a coughing spell. It hurts to see the dark circles under her eyes. It hurts to hear her gasp for a deep breath knowing that the coughing is about to start again. It hurts to hear her moan from the pain she feels when she breathes, coughs, pukes. It hurts to know she's not getting enough rest, enough food, enough good days. It hurts to see her health deteriorate as the days drift by. It hurts to know that it's only been a week since she got out of the hospital and already we wonder if we should go back. How did it get this far this fast? How did it come upon us without our knowledge? What has happened? Where did we go wrong? We try our best to do what's right and healthy and beneficial and yet...it seems it's all for nothing. Nothing but heartache, sickness, fear, worry. When will it get better? When will the good days outnumber the bad? I hate CF...I HATE CF...I HATE IT!! I hate it just as much as she does!! Oh God....it hurts!!!