Dreams........ a hope and vision for better things to come.
Damages......an obstacle, a brick wall, that always gets in the way of dreams.
Discoveries.....a realization that dreams are stupid and are continuously shot down, or so it seems.
I'm tired of getting hopes up only to have them brought quickly back down and smashed in the ground. I'm tired of constantly hearing "no, we can't" because of one thing or another. I'm tired of being in this same rut, always going in the same direction, never changing course.
I'm so tired of this thing called life......just so very very tired.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wow....it's been awhile
This is my first post in about a year......wow time really does fly by! Let's see what's new....hmm....
Well, Linsy is pregnant again and will have our 4th grandchild in June. It's a boy and his name will be Britton. Lezly was in the hospital in December. We got out on the 22nd or 23rd......cutting it close for Christmas. She was in the hospital again the last of February/first of March. Yes we were in on the 3rd (the anniversary of Luc's death). It was a very very VERY difficult time!! We got out on March 11. On April 6th she started the new cf drug, Kalydeco. She went for her checkup last week and got an excellent report!! Her pfts improved by 24% and her xrays showed a clearing in an area that has always been cloudy! We praise the Good Lord for that!! Wade is still working at Walmart but is hoping for a job change soon. He has a prospect of a job with better pay and closer to home. Fingers crossed it comes through soon!! Me? Well, I'm still taking things one step at a time. Still dealing with body pain, still dealing with depression. Trying to get back into crafting and sewing but it's a slow process. Still not being able to sleep without an aid and still would rather sleep during the day than at night. Trying to exercise some but it's hard to do when you're in pain. *sigh*
Mother's Day came and once again it was just another day. My 1st reason for celebrating this day is spending his 3rd Mother's Day in Heaven. My 2nd reason for celebrating has her own family and lives away. My 3rd reason was here but never told me "Happy Mother's Day" but she did buy me a Coke so I guess that made up for it. My husband, whose children I bore, didn't tell me "Happy Mother's Day" until he got to work and then he sent me a text telling me. No gifts, no cards, no breakfast or dinner cooked for me, nothing. I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of everything. See....just another day.
I've been a Mom for almost 28 yrs. I made mistakes, I learned as I went, you know children do NOT come with instructions. I did the best I could, and still do, altho I guess it's not good enough. I was told that our children have issues and that I'm the cause of those issues. I was told that the insecurities, the hurt feelings, the lack of confidence and ambition that my children have: it's all my fault. I sat there and listened. I took it all in. And I realized that yes I may have contributed to these things in my offspring but I don't feel that I'm totally to blame! But maybe I am.....I don't know. Again, kids don't come with instructions! And I'm not trying to guilt anyone or have a "woe is me" party.....I just needed to get this out.
So now I'm just taking things slowly. Not trying to be overbearing or bossy. Not trying to be nagging or advising......just being quite. Doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. Of course, I get the "what's wrong?" and "are you okay?" questions but all I'm saying is "I'm fine".
F=frustrated
I=insecure
N=neurotic
E=emotional
Yep, I'm FINE! How about you? =)
Well, Linsy is pregnant again and will have our 4th grandchild in June. It's a boy and his name will be Britton. Lezly was in the hospital in December. We got out on the 22nd or 23rd......cutting it close for Christmas. She was in the hospital again the last of February/first of March. Yes we were in on the 3rd (the anniversary of Luc's death). It was a very very VERY difficult time!! We got out on March 11. On April 6th she started the new cf drug, Kalydeco. She went for her checkup last week and got an excellent report!! Her pfts improved by 24% and her xrays showed a clearing in an area that has always been cloudy! We praise the Good Lord for that!! Wade is still working at Walmart but is hoping for a job change soon. He has a prospect of a job with better pay and closer to home. Fingers crossed it comes through soon!! Me? Well, I'm still taking things one step at a time. Still dealing with body pain, still dealing with depression. Trying to get back into crafting and sewing but it's a slow process. Still not being able to sleep without an aid and still would rather sleep during the day than at night. Trying to exercise some but it's hard to do when you're in pain. *sigh*
Mother's Day came and once again it was just another day. My 1st reason for celebrating this day is spending his 3rd Mother's Day in Heaven. My 2nd reason for celebrating has her own family and lives away. My 3rd reason was here but never told me "Happy Mother's Day" but she did buy me a Coke so I guess that made up for it. My husband, whose children I bore, didn't tell me "Happy Mother's Day" until he got to work and then he sent me a text telling me. No gifts, no cards, no breakfast or dinner cooked for me, nothing. I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of everything. See....just another day.
I've been a Mom for almost 28 yrs. I made mistakes, I learned as I went, you know children do NOT come with instructions. I did the best I could, and still do, altho I guess it's not good enough. I was told that our children have issues and that I'm the cause of those issues. I was told that the insecurities, the hurt feelings, the lack of confidence and ambition that my children have: it's all my fault. I sat there and listened. I took it all in. And I realized that yes I may have contributed to these things in my offspring but I don't feel that I'm totally to blame! But maybe I am.....I don't know. Again, kids don't come with instructions! And I'm not trying to guilt anyone or have a "woe is me" party.....I just needed to get this out.
So now I'm just taking things slowly. Not trying to be overbearing or bossy. Not trying to be nagging or advising......just being quite. Doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. Of course, I get the "what's wrong?" and "are you okay?" questions but all I'm saying is "I'm fine".
F=frustrated
I=insecure
N=neurotic
E=emotional
Yep, I'm FINE! How about you? =)
Monday, March 21, 2011
1st hospital stay of the year 2011......
Well here we are almost 2 weeks into our 1st hospital stay of the year. We are so ready to go home!! Altho I do want her healthier going home than when we came in. Of course we didn't think she was very sick...but other circumstances have entered into the picture and may cause us to stay another week or so. =(
The xrays and PFT's show improvement but....she's coughing more, not able to get out and exercise very much, and the food isn't so great so she's not eating well which means no weight gain.
I don't understand why we can't seem to have a "normal" hospital stay. Of course, nothing is "normal" about our life. CF kinda takes all "normalcy" out of anyone's life who has it or deals with it on a daily basis. It affects us all! CF doesn't care about age, gender or race. CF doesn't care if it's convenient for you to deal with it today or not. CF doesn't care if you feel great or feel horrible. CF doesn't care at all about anything!!!
Another thing we're dealing with this stay is the weight gain....or lack thereof. Lezly needs to gain weight so bad and yet it's so hard for her. And when the food tastes awful.....well that doesn't help. We've been here almost 2 weeks and the first week she gained a pound. Now this morning, she's lost that pound she gained. It's a battle and it upsets me. She doesn't upset me....but the whole situation upsets me. I just don't understand how hard it is for her to gain weight when it comes so easy for me. I know it bothers her too....but....can she try harder? I don't know. I just don't know. Something tho has to change....and has to change fast. Otherwise, we'll be looking at getting a feeding tube. I don't want that and I know that she doesn't want that either. But what can we do?
Anyway, we'll see how it goes. Xrays and PFTs in the next day or so will decide whether we go home or not this week. Praying and fingers crossed it turns out good!! But regardless, I know that God is in control!!
The xrays and PFT's show improvement but....she's coughing more, not able to get out and exercise very much, and the food isn't so great so she's not eating well which means no weight gain.
I don't understand why we can't seem to have a "normal" hospital stay. Of course, nothing is "normal" about our life. CF kinda takes all "normalcy" out of anyone's life who has it or deals with it on a daily basis. It affects us all! CF doesn't care about age, gender or race. CF doesn't care if it's convenient for you to deal with it today or not. CF doesn't care if you feel great or feel horrible. CF doesn't care at all about anything!!!
Another thing we're dealing with this stay is the weight gain....or lack thereof. Lezly needs to gain weight so bad and yet it's so hard for her. And when the food tastes awful.....well that doesn't help. We've been here almost 2 weeks and the first week she gained a pound. Now this morning, she's lost that pound she gained. It's a battle and it upsets me. She doesn't upset me....but the whole situation upsets me. I just don't understand how hard it is for her to gain weight when it comes so easy for me. I know it bothers her too....but....can she try harder? I don't know. I just don't know. Something tho has to change....and has to change fast. Otherwise, we'll be looking at getting a feeding tube. I don't want that and I know that she doesn't want that either. But what can we do?
Anyway, we'll see how it goes. Xrays and PFTs in the next day or so will decide whether we go home or not this week. Praying and fingers crossed it turns out good!! But regardless, I know that God is in control!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
It's been awhile since I've posted so I thought I'd write something that's been on my mind.
Who am I?
As a wife and mother, I have always put my husband and kids before myself. That's how it's supposed to be...at least to me. But through it all I forgot one important thing: NEVER LOSE YOURSELF!! Here I am 45 years old and I'm not sure who I am. I know that:
I'm a wife to Wade.
I'm a mama to Lucas, Linsy and Lezly.
I'm a mamaw to Brexton, Braylee and Brynson.
I'm a daughter to Bob and Lenora.
I'm a sister to Cindy.
I'm a granddaughter to Leslie, Delora, France and Maggie.
I'm a daughter-in-law to Gary and Wilma.
I'm a sister-in-law to Judy, Will, James and Bush.
I'm an aunt to Shandy, Teather, Chance, Matthew, Vaden and Hannah.
I'm a niece and cousin to many.
I'm a friend to some.
But....WHO AM I? Who is this person who uses my name, wears my clothes, speaks my words, has my dreams? WHO AM I?
From the time I became a wife and mother, it seems all I've known are medicines, treatments, seizures, financial stresses, death. It's no one's fault really....it's just what LIFE has dealt me. And I've handled it well, I think. Of course, I couldn't do any of it without God. But somewhere along the way, I lost ME. I'm not the same person I was 27 years ago...who is? I only know that I cannot define myself without defining sickness and death. And that's not fair...and it's not right!!
I think it's time I look for ME. I need to go back to the basics. Before the sickness, the deaths, the Depression, the sadness. I know we all deal with these things at some time in all our lives. But I have ALLOWED these things to define WHO I AM! When someone says "tell a little about yourself", do you know what I say? I say "my name is Darlina, my son died 2 years ago from Cystic Fibrosis and my youngest daughter is fighting the battle with CF as well. We're broke from medical expenses and I'm dealing with Depression." This is who I've become. I've lost ME, MY dreams, MY hopes, MY needs.
I've got to find ME. I've got to step out in Faith knowing that God won't lead me astray and that all things will be taken care of. I've got to actively search and work and think and do for ME. It's time. I've let it go for too long...hopefully it's not too late. I've got to FIGHT for ME. Does that sound selfish?
Right now all I know is that it's hard to be there for others when I can't be there for myself. =(
So WHO AM I? I don't know...except I AM a child of the Almighty's and that makes ME worth it!!!
Who am I?
As a wife and mother, I have always put my husband and kids before myself. That's how it's supposed to be...at least to me. But through it all I forgot one important thing: NEVER LOSE YOURSELF!! Here I am 45 years old and I'm not sure who I am. I know that:
I'm a wife to Wade.
I'm a mama to Lucas, Linsy and Lezly.
I'm a mamaw to Brexton, Braylee and Brynson.
I'm a daughter to Bob and Lenora.
I'm a sister to Cindy.
I'm a granddaughter to Leslie, Delora, France and Maggie.
I'm a daughter-in-law to Gary and Wilma.
I'm a sister-in-law to Judy, Will, James and Bush.
I'm an aunt to Shandy, Teather, Chance, Matthew, Vaden and Hannah.
I'm a niece and cousin to many.
I'm a friend to some.
But....WHO AM I? Who is this person who uses my name, wears my clothes, speaks my words, has my dreams? WHO AM I?
From the time I became a wife and mother, it seems all I've known are medicines, treatments, seizures, financial stresses, death. It's no one's fault really....it's just what LIFE has dealt me. And I've handled it well, I think. Of course, I couldn't do any of it without God. But somewhere along the way, I lost ME. I'm not the same person I was 27 years ago...who is? I only know that I cannot define myself without defining sickness and death. And that's not fair...and it's not right!!
I think it's time I look for ME. I need to go back to the basics. Before the sickness, the deaths, the Depression, the sadness. I know we all deal with these things at some time in all our lives. But I have ALLOWED these things to define WHO I AM! When someone says "tell a little about yourself", do you know what I say? I say "my name is Darlina, my son died 2 years ago from Cystic Fibrosis and my youngest daughter is fighting the battle with CF as well. We're broke from medical expenses and I'm dealing with Depression." This is who I've become. I've lost ME, MY dreams, MY hopes, MY needs.
I've got to find ME. I've got to step out in Faith knowing that God won't lead me astray and that all things will be taken care of. I've got to actively search and work and think and do for ME. It's time. I've let it go for too long...hopefully it's not too late. I've got to FIGHT for ME. Does that sound selfish?
Right now all I know is that it's hard to be there for others when I can't be there for myself. =(
So WHO AM I? I don't know...except I AM a child of the Almighty's and that makes ME worth it!!!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Christmas time.....
Yes, it's that time of the year. The most wonderful time of the year. The fun, exciting, blessed time of the year. Or that's what it's supposed to be.
For me, it's the time of year that the sorrow, emptiness, and grief somehow seems stronger. Lucas is gone...never to be here again. Linsy and the grandkids are in another state, not even sure if they'll come up. So it's just Wade, Lezly and I. I'm grateful that I'm not alone on Christmas...there are so many who are. But I remember the times when the house was full of kid's laughter, traditions, Christmas music, smells of goodies, presents wrapped, anticipation, excitement. Now our house is filled with silence. I try to make it happy...I do. But I cannot do it alone. It's just not the same anymore.
It's true what they say...Christmas is for children. I see that now. I love to see how excited they are in the stores looking at the toys and talking of Santa. They are pleased and grateful with what they get as gifts. Oh how things change when they get older. The gifts wanted become more expensive and being grateful is often a thing of the past. They are jealous of what others get and sometimes pout and complain and really lose the true meaning of Christmas. We all do!
The real gift is LOVE. Why can't it be given more? Why do we not share what we have, whether little or big, with those less fortunate? Why can't we be nicer to people? To family? To strangers? Isn't that what the true meaning of Christmas is?
So I will look around to see what I can share. I will try to smile more and love more. I will be grateful and remind myself of the true meaning of Christmas. I will do what I can to see joy on someone's face. To show someone what a blessed, wonderful time of the year it is. Of course, I will do this for others....even tho I can't do it for myself.
Oh Lord, how I need You during this holiday, for I cannot do it alone! It's Christmas time and I need a Christmas miracle!
For me, it's the time of year that the sorrow, emptiness, and grief somehow seems stronger. Lucas is gone...never to be here again. Linsy and the grandkids are in another state, not even sure if they'll come up. So it's just Wade, Lezly and I. I'm grateful that I'm not alone on Christmas...there are so many who are. But I remember the times when the house was full of kid's laughter, traditions, Christmas music, smells of goodies, presents wrapped, anticipation, excitement. Now our house is filled with silence. I try to make it happy...I do. But I cannot do it alone. It's just not the same anymore.
It's true what they say...Christmas is for children. I see that now. I love to see how excited they are in the stores looking at the toys and talking of Santa. They are pleased and grateful with what they get as gifts. Oh how things change when they get older. The gifts wanted become more expensive and being grateful is often a thing of the past. They are jealous of what others get and sometimes pout and complain and really lose the true meaning of Christmas. We all do!
The real gift is LOVE. Why can't it be given more? Why do we not share what we have, whether little or big, with those less fortunate? Why can't we be nicer to people? To family? To strangers? Isn't that what the true meaning of Christmas is?
So I will look around to see what I can share. I will try to smile more and love more. I will be grateful and remind myself of the true meaning of Christmas. I will do what I can to see joy on someone's face. To show someone what a blessed, wonderful time of the year it is. Of course, I will do this for others....even tho I can't do it for myself.
Oh Lord, how I need You during this holiday, for I cannot do it alone! It's Christmas time and I need a Christmas miracle!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I'm struggling....
Today has been a struggle. I have tried so hard to hold it together and not break down and cry in front of teachers, friends, family. I did good earlier in the day....but I can't hold it in any longer. Now I'm trying really hard to quit crying.
Last year at this time, we were struggling with all the 1st's that we were having to deal with without our son: the 1st Cowboys football game, the 1st Halloween, the 1st Thanksgiving, the 1st Christmas, the 1st birthday, the 1st New Years. It was extremely painful. This year seems harder somehow. I look at pictures and it hits me that he's missing from them. I think of Thanksgiving dinner and it hits me that he won't be sitting at the table with the rest of us. I think of Christmas presents I still need to purchase and it hits me that his gifts will no longer be under the tree. It hits me that as I decorate our tree, his ornaments will not be put up by him, only by one of us. I guess last year I was still in shock with it all....and this year it has hit me hard.
I'm not sure if Linsy and the babies will get to be here for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She lives too far away from me and I don't like it!! It hurts me that I don't get to see her as often as I need to. I miss her so much! At times I feel like I've lost her too!
Lezly has her good days and bad days....but I've realized that the good days are few and far between. I know how hard she's fighting for those good days. I'm trying to fight right beside her too....but it gets hard. And if it's hard for me to continue fighting, I know it HAS to be so much harder for her. And that hurts me.
And Wade....bless his heart. He has endured so much pain with all this and yet he has been so strong. Having to be strong for not only himself but for us girls too! He has been my rock throughout all this....but I know he's hurting too. I worry about his health with all this stress and the heartaches. And it scares me.
Lord, I so need your help!! How can I be there for my family when I can't even be there for myself? How can I be strong for them when I can't even be strong for myself?
Today I'm struggling.....but hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Last year at this time, we were struggling with all the 1st's that we were having to deal with without our son: the 1st Cowboys football game, the 1st Halloween, the 1st Thanksgiving, the 1st Christmas, the 1st birthday, the 1st New Years. It was extremely painful. This year seems harder somehow. I look at pictures and it hits me that he's missing from them. I think of Thanksgiving dinner and it hits me that he won't be sitting at the table with the rest of us. I think of Christmas presents I still need to purchase and it hits me that his gifts will no longer be under the tree. It hits me that as I decorate our tree, his ornaments will not be put up by him, only by one of us. I guess last year I was still in shock with it all....and this year it has hit me hard.
I'm not sure if Linsy and the babies will get to be here for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She lives too far away from me and I don't like it!! It hurts me that I don't get to see her as often as I need to. I miss her so much! At times I feel like I've lost her too!
Lezly has her good days and bad days....but I've realized that the good days are few and far between. I know how hard she's fighting for those good days. I'm trying to fight right beside her too....but it gets hard. And if it's hard for me to continue fighting, I know it HAS to be so much harder for her. And that hurts me.
And Wade....bless his heart. He has endured so much pain with all this and yet he has been so strong. Having to be strong for not only himself but for us girls too! He has been my rock throughout all this....but I know he's hurting too. I worry about his health with all this stress and the heartaches. And it scares me.
Lord, I so need your help!! How can I be there for my family when I can't even be there for myself? How can I be strong for them when I can't even be strong for myself?
Today I'm struggling.....but hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I've learned.....
I've been thinking about things I've learned in the past 2 years...actually probably longer than that but the past year or two has been at the forefront of my mind. Things change so fast. In the blink of an eye sometimes. In a heartbeat. In a breath. Again I will say that I do not write these things for you...I write them for me. It's very therapeutic for me when I can see my feelings written out. Somehow it doesn't make my life seem so hellish and it helps me deal with it. So if you read this, I appreciate you taking the time and caring. If you don't, well that's okay too...it's not gonna kill me, break my legs or make me ugly. (that's something I always told my kids when they didn't wanna do something I told them to do. LOL)
As many of you know, the past 2 years we've had more than our share of heartaches, illnesses, and losses. We've struggled with what Life has dealt us but yet we've held on to God and each other and we've survived. Well...we're surviving. Doing the best we can with what we've got and trying to make it all worthwhile. But through it all I've learned so much. Yet I know I still have so much more to learn.
Here are some of the things I've learned:
>I've learned that time is short with our loved ones and we must make our time with them as memorable and as loving as we can.
>I've learned that there are things beyond my control and there is NOTHING I can do to change it...no matter how much I want to.
>I've learned that just because you are "family" doesn't mean you can use that as a right to hurt me or say rude, inconsiderate words to me. And it doesn't give me the right to do the same to you.
>I've learned that family and friends won't always be there for me, support my decisions, or help me in my struggles.
>I've learned that just because you don't THINK something will happen, doesn't mean it won't.
>I've learned that strangers can become best friends and best friends can become strangers.
>I've learned that parents often outlive their children.
>I've learned that no matter how hard and stressful my life is, there is always someone who has it worse.
>I've learned that just because I taught my kids about God and taught them right from wrong, they get to the age that they make their own decisions and all I can do is pray for them to make the right ones.
>I've learned that no matter how I want things to turn out...they seldom do.
>I've learned that even when I don't feel like smiling, I can fake it really good.
>I've learned that it's okay to ask for help, even when there is no one there to help me.
>I've learned that money isn't everything...but time is.
>I've learned that there are those who surprise me....some in a good way, some not so much.
>I've learned those I thought would never leave me, did. And those I thought would, didn't.
>I've learned that just because you share the same blood doesn't mean you share the same hopes, dreams, and worries.
>I've learned blood isn't what makes a family. Love is.
>I've learned that it's okay to stay awake all night and sleep all day. It works for me.
>I've learned that it's my life and I'm the one who has to live it. I will stand before God concerning my stuff, not you.
>I've learned that going to church every time the doors are open, doesn't mean I have a free ride to Heaven. It's so much more than that. I've also learned that God loves me regardless if I go to church or not.
>I've learned that I have so much more love, respect and compassion for those who struggle with illnesses, death, and tragedies.
>I've learned that it's okay to say "I'm having a rough day" or "today I'm struggling".
>I've learned that not everyone understands me or my life, or even cares to try to understand. And it's okay.
>I've learned that I expect too much from people and I'm usually disappointed.
>I've learned that when I think I can't go one more day or even one more step, God gives me the strength to go on.
>I've learned that thinking positive may help the attitude but it really doesn't help the physical.
>I've learned that music can heal the soul. So can screaming, crying, writing, and talking.
>I've learned that burying my only son, my firstborn, my child was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
>I've learned that there are times that we cannot protect our children...no matter how hard we try.
>I've learned that things can change so fast....and other things change over time.
>I've learned that no matter how much you want things to be different, sometimes it doesn't work that way.
>I've learned that we all have a cross to bear and most times we have to bear it alone.
>I've learned that a hug can cure the "blues".
>I've learned that a beautiful day can be sunny or rainy...depends on what you find beautiful about it.
>I've learned to appreciate nature and I can see God's hand in it.
>I've learned that 50 is not old....neither is 80.
>I've learned that it's okay to not clean house every day or to leave the dishes for the next meal. Spending time with my loved ones is more important.
>I've learned the value of a dollar, a quarter, a dime, a nickel or even a penny.
>I've learned it's okay to not clean out Luc's closet. I can still go in there and smell him on his clothes.
>I've learned that grief is not something you can just "get over" like the flu. And it's okay to still be feeling the "effects" even after a year or two...or even 14.
>I've learned to realize how many "firsts" there are without him. First holiday, first birthday, first football game, first camping trip, first vacation. As my friend Sarah says, "we are a family of 5 minus 1". Of course, the numbers have changed because of grandkids but we're still "minus 1".
>I've learned that being a little overweight is okay....as long as I am happy and my husband still thinks I'm gorgeous.
>I've learned that fighting for something even when I'm tired is better than giving up.
>I've learned that photographs say so much even when you don't want to see/hear what they are saying.
>I've learned that everyone has different opinions and it's okay. We don't all have to agree.
>I've learned that sometimes saying nothing is for the best....but sometimes saying nothing can be hurtful.
>I've learned that sarcasm and sincerity are two things that can be misunderstood when typed, texted, or written.
>I've learned that I am a strong woman.....even when I don't feel so strong.
>I've learned that it's the little things that have become more important to me. A smile, a hug, a cold Coca-Cola, a Hershey bar, a note from a friend, a text, a funny story.
>I've learned that some people lie, cheat, steal......doesn't mean I have to.
>I've learned that just because I pray about something doesn't mean that it'll be enough to change the situation...but I still pray.
>I've learned that Life is hard. It's sad. It's painful. It's stressful. It's lonely. But it can also be beautiful.
>I've learned that no matter how much I make sure my family is taken care of, sometimes I fail. I do what I can and sometimes it's not enough. Doesn't mean I should stop "doing".
>I've learned that sometimes a cure is not meant for us....that's okay. As long as we keep God first and foremost then we will make it.
There is so much more stuff I've learned. I'm still learning things every day. The main thing I've learned is that Wade, Lezly, Linsy, Brexton, Braylee, and myself are a team. And as long as we stick together, we can get through anything....the ups, the downs, the rough patches, the happy times. As individuals we are weak but as a team we are strong. We inspire each other. We support each other. We listen, we talk, we cry, we encourage, we pray....for each other, with each other.
I thank you, Lord, for my family and for my friends.....I am truly blessed. Thank you for my strength, Lord...for I could not do this alone. Thank you for standing beside me, for loving me, for showing me Your Grace and Mercy! Amen
As many of you know, the past 2 years we've had more than our share of heartaches, illnesses, and losses. We've struggled with what Life has dealt us but yet we've held on to God and each other and we've survived. Well...we're surviving. Doing the best we can with what we've got and trying to make it all worthwhile. But through it all I've learned so much. Yet I know I still have so much more to learn.
Here are some of the things I've learned:
>I've learned that time is short with our loved ones and we must make our time with them as memorable and as loving as we can.
>I've learned that there are things beyond my control and there is NOTHING I can do to change it...no matter how much I want to.
>I've learned that just because you are "family" doesn't mean you can use that as a right to hurt me or say rude, inconsiderate words to me. And it doesn't give me the right to do the same to you.
>I've learned that family and friends won't always be there for me, support my decisions, or help me in my struggles.
>I've learned that just because you don't THINK something will happen, doesn't mean it won't.
>I've learned that strangers can become best friends and best friends can become strangers.
>I've learned that parents often outlive their children.
>I've learned that no matter how hard and stressful my life is, there is always someone who has it worse.
>I've learned that just because I taught my kids about God and taught them right from wrong, they get to the age that they make their own decisions and all I can do is pray for them to make the right ones.
>I've learned that no matter how I want things to turn out...they seldom do.
>I've learned that even when I don't feel like smiling, I can fake it really good.
>I've learned that it's okay to ask for help, even when there is no one there to help me.
>I've learned that money isn't everything...but time is.
>I've learned that there are those who surprise me....some in a good way, some not so much.
>I've learned those I thought would never leave me, did. And those I thought would, didn't.
>I've learned that just because you share the same blood doesn't mean you share the same hopes, dreams, and worries.
>I've learned blood isn't what makes a family. Love is.
>I've learned that it's okay to stay awake all night and sleep all day. It works for me.
>I've learned that it's my life and I'm the one who has to live it. I will stand before God concerning my stuff, not you.
>I've learned that going to church every time the doors are open, doesn't mean I have a free ride to Heaven. It's so much more than that. I've also learned that God loves me regardless if I go to church or not.
>I've learned that I have so much more love, respect and compassion for those who struggle with illnesses, death, and tragedies.
>I've learned that it's okay to say "I'm having a rough day" or "today I'm struggling".
>I've learned that not everyone understands me or my life, or even cares to try to understand. And it's okay.
>I've learned that I expect too much from people and I'm usually disappointed.
>I've learned that when I think I can't go one more day or even one more step, God gives me the strength to go on.
>I've learned that thinking positive may help the attitude but it really doesn't help the physical.
>I've learned that music can heal the soul. So can screaming, crying, writing, and talking.
>I've learned that burying my only son, my firstborn, my child was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
>I've learned that there are times that we cannot protect our children...no matter how hard we try.
>I've learned that things can change so fast....and other things change over time.
>I've learned that no matter how much you want things to be different, sometimes it doesn't work that way.
>I've learned that we all have a cross to bear and most times we have to bear it alone.
>I've learned that a hug can cure the "blues".
>I've learned that a beautiful day can be sunny or rainy...depends on what you find beautiful about it.
>I've learned to appreciate nature and I can see God's hand in it.
>I've learned that 50 is not old....neither is 80.
>I've learned that it's okay to not clean house every day or to leave the dishes for the next meal. Spending time with my loved ones is more important.
>I've learned the value of a dollar, a quarter, a dime, a nickel or even a penny.
>I've learned it's okay to not clean out Luc's closet. I can still go in there and smell him on his clothes.
>I've learned that grief is not something you can just "get over" like the flu. And it's okay to still be feeling the "effects" even after a year or two...or even 14.
>I've learned to realize how many "firsts" there are without him. First holiday, first birthday, first football game, first camping trip, first vacation. As my friend Sarah says, "we are a family of 5 minus 1". Of course, the numbers have changed because of grandkids but we're still "minus 1".
>I've learned that being a little overweight is okay....as long as I am happy and my husband still thinks I'm gorgeous.
>I've learned that fighting for something even when I'm tired is better than giving up.
>I've learned that photographs say so much even when you don't want to see/hear what they are saying.
>I've learned that everyone has different opinions and it's okay. We don't all have to agree.
>I've learned that sometimes saying nothing is for the best....but sometimes saying nothing can be hurtful.
>I've learned that sarcasm and sincerity are two things that can be misunderstood when typed, texted, or written.
>I've learned that I am a strong woman.....even when I don't feel so strong.
>I've learned that it's the little things that have become more important to me. A smile, a hug, a cold Coca-Cola, a Hershey bar, a note from a friend, a text, a funny story.
>I've learned that some people lie, cheat, steal......doesn't mean I have to.
>I've learned that just because I pray about something doesn't mean that it'll be enough to change the situation...but I still pray.
>I've learned that Life is hard. It's sad. It's painful. It's stressful. It's lonely. But it can also be beautiful.
>I've learned that no matter how much I make sure my family is taken care of, sometimes I fail. I do what I can and sometimes it's not enough. Doesn't mean I should stop "doing".
>I've learned that sometimes a cure is not meant for us....that's okay. As long as we keep God first and foremost then we will make it.
There is so much more stuff I've learned. I'm still learning things every day. The main thing I've learned is that Wade, Lezly, Linsy, Brexton, Braylee, and myself are a team. And as long as we stick together, we can get through anything....the ups, the downs, the rough patches, the happy times. As individuals we are weak but as a team we are strong. We inspire each other. We support each other. We listen, we talk, we cry, we encourage, we pray....for each other, with each other.
I thank you, Lord, for my family and for my friends.....I am truly blessed. Thank you for my strength, Lord...for I could not do this alone. Thank you for standing beside me, for loving me, for showing me Your Grace and Mercy! Amen
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