I'm struggling....

Today has been a struggle. I have tried so hard to hold it together and not break down and cry in front of teachers, friends, family. I did good earlier in the day....but I can't hold it in any longer. Now I'm trying really hard to quit crying.


Last year at this time, we were struggling with all the 1st's that we were having to deal with without our son: the 1st Cowboys football game, the 1st Halloween, the 1st Thanksgiving, the 1st Christmas, the 1st birthday, the 1st New Years. It was extremely painful. This year seems harder somehow. I look at pictures and it hits me that he's missing from them. I think of Thanksgiving dinner and it hits me that he won't be sitting at the table with the rest of us. I think of Christmas presents I still need to purchase and it hits me that his gifts will no longer be under the tree. It hits me that as I decorate our tree, his ornaments will not be put up by him, only by one of us. I guess last year I was still in shock with it all....and this year it has hit me hard.


I'm not sure if Linsy and the babies will get to be here for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She lives too far away from me and I don't like it!! It hurts me that I don't get to see her as often as I need to. I miss her so much! At times I feel like I've lost her too!


Lezly has her good days and bad days....but I've realized that the good days are few and far between. I know how hard she's fighting for those good days. I'm trying to fight right beside her too....but it gets hard. And if it's hard for me to continue fighting, I know it HAS to be so much harder for her. And that hurts me.


And Wade....bless his heart. He has endured so much pain with all this and yet he has been so strong. Having to be strong for not only himself but for us girls too! He has been my rock throughout all this....but I know he's hurting too. I worry about his health with all this stress and the heartaches. And it scares me.


Lord, I so need your help!! How can I be there for my family when I can't even be there for myself? How can I be strong for them when I can't even be strong for myself?


Today I'm struggling.....but hopefully tomorrow will be better.