My story....

I was born February 1, 1966. A second child for my parents. They wanted a boy but got me instead. That, I guess, was the start of the disappointment I always felt they had with me. Anyway.....

I had a fairly good childhood...my mom was a stay-at-home-mom and my dad was a very hard worker. He was in construction and even had his own company for awhile...but he was also a drinker. I remember many fun times with my family but when I really think of my childhood 3 memories come to mind:

1. my dad coming home drunk on Christmas eve and throwing our tree and presents out in the yard.

2. my dad leaving my sister and I at a gas station when I was about 3 because he was drunk and forgot we were with him.

3. never getting birthday presents for myself...when it was my birthday my sister also got presents.

Maybe these memories explain why I have a difficult time trusting people, letting others get close to me or feeling some jealousy of my sister. I really don't know. I can only speculate. Now let's fast-forward to my teenage years. My dad decided it was time to move to Lake Tawakoni....we were living in Mesquite, Texas at the time. I was in the 4th grade at the time and moving was something I didn't want to do...but living by a lake would be neat so we moved. I didn't like my school and had no friends and I started having health issues...stomach aches and problems. My parents and sister didn't believe me, they just thought I didn't want to go to school. After about 2 weeks of stomach aches, slight fever, and being lethargic they decided it was time to see a dr. He diagnosed me as having a blocked bowel which is a serious thing for a 4th grader. My family, however, thought I must have done this to myself and really didn't "baby" me at all. Let's now go to 7th grade....Dad decided to move again. This time to Oklahoma, his home. He promised my sister & I we could have a horse if we agreed to this move. This was in the summer of '78. We built us a new home and made new friends. He quit drinking and life was good. In high school, I had many friends and boyfriends. I met Wade in '82 and at the time he was dating my sister. His younger brother and I would tag along on their dates. LOL. One night we were at the drive-in and my sister and I decided to switch seats while the guys were gone for popcorn to see if they would notice. They did and so we decided we would stay that way the rest of the date...just for fun. And so that begins the story of Wade and I. We were together every day after that night and we decided to get married. My parents, I guess, thought we were "doing the thing" and so they made us get married before I even graduated high school. I had to wear my grandmother's dress (which wasn't white) and my mother and sister baked us a cake. Our wedding cost $45. Altho I was a virgin on my wedding night, the circumstances of the wedding being so quick and all made the tongues wag and my reputation was pretty shot by then. I finished school and we became pregnant. We were so excited!!! I bought my first maternity outfit on a Friday and the following Monday I went into labor...2 months too early!!! Lucas Wade Hodge was born in the early morning of December 31, 1984...he wasn't due until Feb 27, 1985. He died several times before they could stablize him and off to Ft Smith they took him. Wade went with him and I stayed in Talihina Hospital where I had given birth. He weighed 3lbs 9oz. His head would easily fit in the palm of your hand with his legs being on your mid forearm. He was tiny...cabbage patch doll clothes were too big for him. We didn't get to hold him until he was a month old...a milestone considering they told us he wouldn't make it through the night or the week. When we finally brought him home, he weighed 5lbs and came home on a monitor. That thing would scare me every time it would go off. As he got older, he wasn't growing properly and by the time he was 9 months old, he only weighed 9lbs and by that time he was on oxygen full time. We finally got referred to a specialist and found out that he had Cystic Fibrosis. About a couple of months later, he started having seizures...full grand mal seizures. They put him on heavy medication and so off we go on yet another struggle with our son, our firstborn. The meds gave him nightmares and for a long time it was a hard fought battle but it was finally under control. Again they told us he wouldn't make it past 5 yrs, 12 at the most. We did all we could to make sure he had a "normal" happy life and we fought for every milestone of his life. When he was 3, we gave birth to a 8lb girl...Linsy. Linsy helped us with Luc, teaching him how to talk and just basically being a 2nd mama to him. I know that was alot on her but she loved helping and loved that we were allowing her to help. Thankfully Linsy doesn't have CF...but everytime she got sick or had a cough, I worried because I didn't know how to take care of a "healthy" child. Lezly came along in '90...6lbs. Another little baby that Linsy could help "mother". LOL....I seriously don't know how I would have survived without Linsy's help. She kept me sane. Unfortunately we found out that Lez had CF and so another hard fighting battle had begun. The kids did great for awhile, no hospital stays in 5 yrs or so. Then ever so slowly the descent began. Hospital stays more frequent and longer. Instead of only staying 10 days it became 2 weeks, 4 weeks or even 6 weeks. Every time they went in, we worried if they would come out alive. Every stay damaging their lungs even more. And every stay, Luc's seizures became worse because of the antibiotics he was having to be on. The only way they could prevent the seizures were to give him mega doses of seizure meds...ungodly amounts. By this time the kids were teenagers and another milestone took place.....Lucas graduated!!!! I was so proud!!!! While everyone else was crying because they're kids were no longer babies, I was crying because my son who wasn't even supposed to make it this far was a high school graduate!!! Of course with age comes deterioration and that's just what started happening. He wouldn't eat as much and wouldn't exercise which is essential to this disease. He just didn't feel like doing anything and had days of struggling to breathe. Linsy became rebellious and that was a struggle in itself. Lezly was playing basketball and was in pretty good health considering. But then...Linsy got married and left home. Lezly hurt her knee and was unable to exercise. Then in June of '08 Lezly took a turn for the worse and almost died. Her lungs had a very bad nasty infection which left her with only 30% lung function. She was in the hospital for the whole month of June. Then Luc took a turn for the worse. He was in the hospital the whole month of Nov and most of Dec that year...he was released on the 23rd of Dec, just in time for Christmas at home. But then back to the hospital he went at the end of Feb '09. I was keeping books for the high school basketball teams and we were in the area tournament. Wade called and said that they thought Luc had had a stoke. I went to see him on Friday and he acted like he didn't know me. The dr said Luc's lungs were improving and that he was sure he would pull through this time too. I went again on Sunday and he sat up in bed, drank a mt dew and watched the Mavs on tv. He talked to us some and then said he was tired and laid down. I prayed for him before I left asking the Lord to take care of him and thanked Him for letting us have Luc for as long as we did. I prayed that if it was God's will to take him then that's what I wanted to...I just wanted God's will and so I put Luc in His hands. Monday, he wouldn't wake up. I got there at midnight and watched him struggle to breathe. They had him on oxygen and with every breath he took the bed shook. I stayed by his bed praying and watching him. I wanted to grab him and run with him but I had given him to God the day before. And so we prayed that he wasn't suffering much. Family started to arrive and I gave others time with him...I knew he wouldn't be coming home with us this time. This was it. This was the end. All of our struggles and fights ended with this hospital stay. I felt defeated and lost. Not sure what I was supposed to do or act or feel. Every breath he took was a struggle. He was in a coma. And so when his blood pressure dropped so low it wouldn't register, Wade, Linsy, Lezly and I along with other family members gathered around his bed. Wade and I was praying that God would give us a sign...anything to let us know that Luc was gonna be okay with Him. Luc opened his eyes a little and looked at us with a clarity I had never seen before. We nodded our heads and told him it was okay to go with Jesus. He took one more breath and that was it. At that same time a lullaby started playing on the hospital intercom signaling a baby had just been born. God gave us the peace we needed. Lezly has been in the hospital many times since then and with every stay I worry. She's not as healthy as she has been in the past and it scares me. Linsy is pregnant with her 3rd child...due sometime in Oct. God is still with us and giving us the strength to get through our hard days. It's difficult to see all of Luc's stuff sitting around, his clothes still in his closet. Sometimes I like to go to his room just so I can smell him again. I miss my son. A mom is supposed to protect her children and I feel that I've failed in this. I get mad at this life and I get mad at CF but I hold on to God's unchanging hand and He has never failed me. I don't understand all of His reasons but that's okay....He's the One in control, not me! I told all this so that people might could try to understand where I've come from and where I am now.